Halloween, that night of childish horror, is upon us like the whitetail rut and what better time to ponder the best defensive options against the season’s most terrifying villains than as the sun begins to set. Let’s be honest, if any of us were a character in the top horror movies, we wouldn’t hide in a closet and merely wait for our end to come via knife slashing, hockey mask wearing, thrift store apparel reject or walk into a dark barn looking for Barbara—unless she’s super hot AND unless we were strapped like the Terminator looking to snuff Sarah Connor. So, let’s consider what firearm might finally put these slasher stars down—for good—and give you a fighting chance to walk away physically unscathed…even if your mind remains a little freaked out.
Michael Myers (Halloween)
Best Known For: Mask, coveralls and that butcher knife that’s somehow scarier than a chainsaw. Michael Myers is a walking wall of creepy determination, moving slow and steady toward you with dead eyes, impervious to whatever you throw at him. You run over him with a car or shoot him, he falls and—surprise!—he gets back up every time.
Best Gun to Stop Him: Remington 870 12-gauge shotgun loaded with 1-ounce slugs. Yeah, Michael can take a bullet or five, but a 12-gauge slug has a special way of making even the toughest killers stumble. You’d need the raw stopping power of those slugs to put a crater in that Shatner mask of his. Plus, with a pump-action shotgun, you’ve got the satisfying “click-clack” between shots for a little extra intimidation—and movie audience expectation—because Michael may not feel fear, but he’ll damn sure feel five slugs penetrating that big melon of his.
Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
Best Known For: Creeping into your dreams and turning them into gore-filled, claw-handed horror shows. (Hell, I tried not to sleep for a week after first seeing A Nightmare on Elm Street but then I think I actually started becoming Freddy so I took my chances with the nightmares—and some much-needed slumber.) Freddy’s not bound by the usual rules of reality, so fighting him off with an everyday firearm is…well, complicated. He’ll turn your bullets into popcorn or turn himself into a fountain of blood just for fun.
Best Gun to Stop Him: AA-12 fully automatic shotgun with a drum magazine. Hear me out: you’re already fighting this guy in his domain, so you need something with enough power and capacity to buy you a few precious seconds to wake up. An AA-12 with a drum mag will keep up with whatever dream-bending antics Freddy throws your way. Spray and pray may be all you’ve got in the nightmare world, so make those rounds count and hope you can roll out of bed before he closes in with those razor-tipped fingers of his.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
Best Known For: Machete, hockey mask, silent but relentless killing style. Jason is horror’s original tank, and short of running away (if only he weren’t always right behind you), it’s gonna take something serious to put him down for good. He shrugs off bullets and falls from buildings. Even a chainsaw barely scratches him.
Best Gun to Stop Him: Barrett .50-caliber sniper rifle. You’re going to want to be far, far away from machete range if you’re taking on Jason. The .50-caliber can punch through pretty much anything, and a well-placed headshot (or three) from a distance could slow him down and even in Friday the 13th land, turn his hockey masked dome into a fine pink mist. Sure, Jason’s tough, but the energy from a chopper-dropping .50-caliber round should at least give you time to run like hell as his head, with the help of Hollywood make-up artists, regenerates and he pops back out of a lake or something. Remember, the only thing more of your friend here than the Barrett, is distance…lots and lots of distance.
Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)
Best Known For: Cannibalism, high IQ, taste for liver and fava beans. Hannibal isn’t the hulking brute you’d find in a slasher flick, but he’s lethal in his own way. His intellect is his greatest weapon, but he’s got no problem getting physical when he has to.
Best Gun to Stop Him: Glock 19 with a SilencerCo Spectre 9 suppressor. Hannibal isn’t here to chainsaw you to bits; he’s far more subtle, so he’s going to be on you before you know it. We are talking a complete CQB sitch with Hannibal. A compact Glock 19 would give you plenty of capacity without the bulk, allowing you to keep it close while making sure you have enough rounds when things go south. Quiet but deadly, the suppressed Glock gives you a fighting chance if Dr. Lecter tries to get up close and personal. Is that a knife in your hands Hannibal or are you really just glad to see me? Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh. An added bonus with a suppressor is you can keep things…low-key. No need to alert Clarice Starling and her FBI cronies. We’ll just keep the Feds out of this so they can stick to doing what they do best: surveilling honest citizens and providing false intel just before elections. Meanwhile you can kick back and enjoy your own liver (preferably a calf’s, not a census taker’s), bowl of fava beans (what are those actually?) and a nice Chianti. Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh.
Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Best Known For: Chainsaw, questionable family, scary-as-hell mask made of…yeah, you know… human skin. (Not something you’re getting at Party City for the office Halloween party, though they do carry some fair Chinese knock-offs made of latex.) Leatherface is all about brute force and raw power, and when you hear that chainsaw revving up, it’s time to think fast, run, fight if you have to and worry about changing your pants later.
Best Gun to Stop Him: Mossberg 940 Pro Tactical – Thunder Ranch shotgun. Yeah, it’s clear, I do love the solid close-range punch of a big bore shotgun to eliminate most serious threats in this world—real or imagined. Nothing says “back off” like a classic Mossberg, masters of tactical shotguns since Uncle Homer used them to drop head first into dark jungle tunnels in search of Charlie. It’s rugged, reliable and can put a world of hurt on anything within chainsaw range. Going with the solid semi-auto 940 instead of the proven pump-action of the 590 is a matter of preference for me when dealing with Leatherface types, but it gives me both ample capacity to handle a chainsaw-wielding maniac as well as rapid, smooth shot delivery with each simple squeeze of the trigger. (Plus, I got the chance to learn firsthand how to defensively weild that puppy from Thunder Ranch’s Clint Smith and Jack Daniel this summer, so I feel a tad more ready.) Trained up or not, a semi-auto just makes it that much easier to send rounds downrange under the kind of stress only Leatherface can bring.
Choose Your Poison
There you have it: horror movie self-defense for those willing to fight fire, or chainsaws, or slashing blades or simple super-human brute strength with firepower—the only true equalizer among man and beast—and hopefully psychotic super villain. Each of these horror heavyweights brings a unique set of “skills” to the table, but with the right gun (and a whole lot of luck), you just might survive the night.
Remember what Arnold told Apollo Creed in the Central American jungles of Predator (okay, yeah the movies and names are a little mixed up, but the sentiment remains): If it bleeds, we can kill it. (Not 100% sure Freddy technically bleeds though, so you may be a little screwed on that one. I’m just speculating.)
So, what top zombie and psycho gun would you choose to end the reign of terror from any one of these ghoulish fiends? Share your thoughts in the comments below…if you dare.
